I became infected with Covid-19 in the middle of March 2020.
I don’t know where--I had been to traveling, and work both at a church and
senior care facility. This happened
before there were any public health alerts or protection practices became
widespread.
My symptoms lasted for weeks, and they lingered for even
longer after the initial intensity of those weeks. I could not be hospitalized
because of local restrictions, and tests were not yet available. Now, three full months since I began showing
symptoms, I am still not back to 100%. I wrote a blog post, here, that chronicled the day-to-day
symptoms and some of the feelings associated with my illness. While I had some
horrible physical symptoms, one of the hardest things to deal with was how
alienating this illness is.
When I was at my sickest, I felt completely alone. I was
home, but my husband couldn’t stay in the same room as me. He would bring me
food and leave. For his own safety, he needed to keep his distance. This virus
is that bad. My mother had the virus at the same time, and she was similarly
alienated in a hospital room. The full coverage of the doctors’ and nurses’ PPE
further contributed to her otherness in the room.
In other times of illness, I’ve relied on the comfort of
visiting family or friends and their gifts of time, conversation, and sometimes
food. Yet this was different. I had family members who would regularly check in
and a few friends here and there, but the majority of my community was afraid
of me. The people where I work were most concerned with when I would be able to
return. Colleagues only asked of my health when they were discussing work. They
exchanged pleasantries as you would with a stranger. I learned that many people
were not truly interested in me and my health. Rather, they saw me being sick
as something that made their lives harder. They recognized that we’re all
interconnected but not in a loving way. They had more work since I could not be
at work. My wellbeing didn’t matter as much as my being in their way.
I have lived with severe depression and anxiety since
childhood, and I know the alienating power that mental illness can have on me.
I know when I am manipulating reality and making myself dwell in unhealthy
thoughts or environments, but this was not that. I was pushed into a place of
loneliness by my colleagues and folks who, I’m sure, thought they were trying
their friendly best.
In a twisted way, my loneliness was something I had in
common with millions of people. So many people have been alienated because of
their exposure to and experience of COVID-19. It will be full-time work to make
sure people who have been alienated are loved and supported. From this moment
forward, this work must be understood as part of the Christian response of love
to persons suffering in this illness. Loneliness in COVID-19 is different. This
is the worst illness I have ever experienced, and the loneliness compounded my
thoughts of alienation and death.
Even in my recovery, there are many folks who have continued
to ignore me. Pandemic response has been and is a difficult and stressful time
for many, but it is especially so for those who are experiencing this virus
firsthand. Please, check in on your loved ones. Please, spread love to all you
encounter. Please send kind words or food or flowers. Know that you are loved
so that you might love, so that you might fill the world in God’s restoring
creativity. Live into your relationships with one another and the whole world
in God’s love, that no one might be alienated or forgotten.
Corrie Hermans-Webster is a United Methodist pastor in Boston, and is passionate about making the church a more inclusive and accessible place for everyone. She serves as a minister of music and a dementia practitioner.
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